June 30, 2015

Monthly Musings with Marc - June

Family Connections

Loyalty was expected from me at an early age. Growing up a military brat made me cherish and protect everyone and everything around me, especially my family. As one of my high school teachers and coaches used to say, "You get what you give."



My wife and I don't want kids, but that doesn't mean we don't want family. We think of, pray for, and talk to family as much as possible when living on the other side of the world. We try to make ourselves available to family and friends in any and all ways. We rely on our family for help and insight as we go through life. 



When circumstances changed right before our trip to the East Coast, my aunt opened up her home and gave us her bed for a few extra nights in New York City. My sister willingly gave us her car and apartment while she visited Europe. When things looked murky and unsettled, family was there for us.



Family I had never even met before gave us tickets to the Yankees game and housed us on the Jersey Shore for the weekend. Family I had not seen in 20 years, and Christy had never met, opened their doors with huge smiles, warm hugs, and great stories.



We tried to meet up with my grandpa and grandma in New York and New Jersey, but it could not happen this summer because of health issues. Instead, my grandpa made a couple of calls and introduced me to a cousin that works for the Yankees - crazy! My other cousin from NYC, my wife, and I walked into a VIP section of Yankee Stadium to get our tickets. We sat in incredible seats and watched A-Rod come within two hits of 3,000. Thanks to family, we had a free evening at Yankee Stadium! 



My grandpa's surprises didn't end there. For years, I've been told about family members from Spain. They not only exist, they are awesome! Christy and I really wanted to meet them to hear about my cultural background and to gain insight into Spain. Miguel and Rosa did not disappoint. They gave us a great weekend in their home on the Jersey Shore and told us great stories about family in Spain. Now we have even more reasons to return to Spain.



The best was getting to see my Aunt Sue and Uncle Joe. Both are in their 90's and still as sharp as tacks. I haven't seen them since I first visited New Jersey when I was 12 years old. Neither had ever met Christy, yet when we knocked on their door, they welcomed us in with unparalleled enthusiasm. As they are definitely the patriarch and matriarch of my family, it was great to see them again and introduce them to Christy. My great-great aunt lived up to Italian family legend by taking Christy aside and, while tapping her cheek, handed her some cash and said in her classic Jersey accent, "Money is always good to you."



It's an amazing feeling to know that no matter how far away you go, or how long you're gone, family is always around the corner and ready to welcome you home - all over the world. 

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June 23, 2015

Coming Back to America: New York City

The #SwagVilUSA quest has begun!


Our week in New York City was marked by a lot of relaxing and walking.


We learned how to navigate the subway system and street grids, even during the cloudy and rainy days.


We gave World Trade Center 4 the new name of Sky Building.


We loved stumbling upon old churchyards and their previous parishioners.


We took in the bright lights and sounds of the city.


We were privy to free seats at both a Yankees game and Smalls Jazz Club. (Thanks to Marc's relative, Al, and our great friend, Tanya!)


We took advantage of the free Staten Island Ferry for front row views of the Statue of Liberty.


We ate at European restaurants as often as we could. The Belgian "Wafels & Dinges" was a favorite.


We wandered through Central Park and drank a lot of smoothies.

 

But we didn't see anybody famous or go to the top of any buildings.


By far the most intense moments were spent at the World Trade Center memorial pools. Overhearing parents tell their young kids about what happened. Seeing name after name after name engraved into the edges. I remembered those planes crashing and September 11th like it was that very morning, and it was upsetting. I hope everyone feels these emotions when they go to the memorial. I also hope that the new World Trade Center 1 building inspires the planet to look terrorism in the face and never back down.

We both experienced several instances of culture shock this first week back in America. Every summer it gets more severe the longer we live in France. It's a part of the trade-off in living abroad. We have an amazing life overseas, but every month away from the USA creates a gap between us and our home country.

But we know why America is great, and even if it isn't where we choose to live anymore, we can still appreciate this incredible nation that raised us.

And where better to do that than in Washington, D.C.?! That's what's up next!

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June 18, 2015

Childfree Series: Identity, Culture, Home

This is the third and final installment of the Childfree series. I hope I don't feel the need to blog about this topic again for at least a decade.


The previous installment (Childfree: 15 Things They've Said) concluded with the line:


Your home is your sacred place, and it's up to you to make your sacred place a happy one. Whether you decide to fill it with people or things or as little as possible - your home will be what you make it!



The most content people in the world have all arrived at the same place. They are comfortable and secure in their identity. They know who they are and how to be that person. Happy people can be found across the entire personality spectrum because being comfortable in one's own skin is an achievable target for anyone.

You have your own individual identity, then you also have an identity for each of your relationships. If your identity is still in process, your decisions are probably influenced by people with a stronger sense of personal identity. Your personal identity and the identity of your relationship with whomever you live with are the key factors in the culture and home life you will create and maintain.

What is our identity as a married couple?

We were best friends after one week of working together, dating after one month of long-distance phone calls, engaged six months after we met, and married the following summer. Rest assured, when we know what we want to do, we usually get it done.

We are us.
When curve balls come our way - job changes, financial issues, moving, whatever - we just do our best to catch what life throws at us. We cherish our flexibility and adaptability. Of course, we'd love to buy our dream condo someday on the south coast of Spain. It's not about avoiding "settling down;" it's much more about having the freedom to "up and go" at any given moment. Spontaneous adventures for one or two people are a lot cheaper and logistically more realistic than for four or six!

What kind of culture and traditions are we creating?

"Our culture" is weird. We've melted our American attitudes with French habits and styles. Some things about us are super American (we are always early and we love to communicate and express ourselves) and in some ways we are very European (we prefer walking over driving and enjoy our quarterly vacation time way too much). I don't think it's quite like a TCK (third-culture-kid) because our cultural changes have been our own choices, not something someone else has chosen for us.

We have learned that we will not fit in certain cultures. Rural and suburban areas, no matter where in the world, tend to be more conservative and family-centered. In rural France this past year, our global perspective of work and travel was very misunderstood and strange to the locals. We may consider ourselves to be generally conservative, but we fit in better in Westernized urban areas where lifestyle diversity is the norm.

Our culture and traditions are also adult-centric. We do not actively seek out time to be around children. We work with kids; we want our down time to be with adults. We really feel a two-hour maximum (the typical length of a sports practice) when we're around little kids. We can make special exceptions for the kids of our best friends, and we'll probably make exceptions for the kids of our family members someday, too. But we are mentally and emotionally prepared to spend time with these children because we haven't burned ourselves out!

What do we want our home life to look like?

We want our home to be quiet. We want our home to be clean. We want our home to be small. We want our home to be there when we need it, but we also don't want to have to be home all of the time. We don't want a yard or a garden or 3 bedrooms. We don't want a dog or a cat or a child or even a fish or a plant - or anything that technically needs us to be around consistently.

We want our home life to be cost-effective and low maintenance.

We are actually excited to be the unconventional uncle and aunt who live in interesting places and who have the freedom and flexibility to "take in the kids" for a week or so. My mom's Uncle Jim and Aunt Wanda never had their own children, and they were always so generous with their time and love to all of us because they had that time and energy saved up!

And hopefully someday that interesting place is on the beach in Spain!
We understand that we are not like a lot of traditional couples. A lot of couples get married in order to have children. We don't proclaim to have found "the only way," but instead that we have found the right way for us.

Know your individual identity, and bring that into your relationship in a positive manner. It's always best to talk openly about your expectations and the future before even getting engaged, and definitely before getting married! Be honest and communicate with your partner to create your identity and culture together. Make your home a place you love to be because, in the end, it's you (and not everyone else who wants this or that) who has to return to it everyday!

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June 10, 2015

How I Travel: Who To Take?

At this point, we've already talked a lot about How I Travel: When to Plan, Where to Go, and What to Pack. This fourth installment is on Who to Take, and the fifth and final post will be coming up next month!

I know a lot of people may plan who will be going on the vacation first, but I really don't! The only time I really take this into consideration earlier in the process is if I know my husband will be coming with me. I can't throw another person into the mix until after I know my date range and possible destinations.


The two main reasons I don't plan around everyone else are: 1) other people's free time doesn't always match mine, and if I'm always waiting for matching vacation times, nobody will ever get to go anywhere; and 2) I am not very motivated to spend money going somewhere that I'm not really interested in going to - the person who does want to go there deserves to be going with someone who is just as excited about the place as they are.

Rare exceptions to this are if someone else is paying, like for a family trip - but then I'm not planning that anyway, so it doesn't really apply to my travel process!

The other thing to remember is that I can put the "who to take" later in my process because I enjoy solo travel. If you never travel solo and have no desire to try it, you need to move "who to take" to number one in your process.

You may have to rearrange your screening process because this is a series about "How I Travel," after all.

1) Pace


I like to move fast. Even when I'm spending a long time in one area, I move fast. I walk quickly, I think quickly, I talk quickly, and I change activities quickly. I do adapt my pace to the type of trip I am taking (my 4 days in Morocco were a lot more intense than my 2 weeks in Portugal, for example), which allows me to enjoy the company of different kinds of people. We all have different speeds, and it's crucial to meet in a place that compliments those rhythms.

2) Interests & Budget


As much as I have enjoyed shopping throughout my life, it has taken a serious backseat during my travels. I would just rather spend my money on great food than useless trinkets. I've been places with people who wanted to buy tons of gifts, but didn't want to eat any real local meals. This made me hungry and frustrated! I want to walk around and look at things for free all day, then reward myself with an amazing restaurant afterward. Find a person who wants to spend their money on the same things, or be okay with splitting up often.

3) Hygiene & Organization

I find messy people difficult as travel partners. They usually pack too much, then their stuff ends up all over my stuff, the bathroom area gets gross, and sometimes they just keep losing things and stressing themselves out. Or have you traveled with someone who needs to borrow things constantly because they don't really know how to pack? It's all the same to me, and just not something I want to deal with when trying to have an enjoyable vacation.

4) Independence


I am going to take off and be alone. This is how I operate. A lot of people really believe that I'm a social butterfly that constantly needs to be around people. What they don't see or know is the only reason I can function in social settings is because I take really long breaks of solitude. All this to say, if you're traveling with me, you're going to need to be able to be okay if I disappear now and then. Don't worry, I usually come back....


Obviously, I'm very picky, and the most evident factor in this post is that Christy Swagerty is not an easy person to choose as your travel partner! But believe it or not, some of my favorite trips of all time have not been solo.

Europe with my family and a volleyball team, 2001
Washington, D.C. with my aunt, 2008
Wyoming road trips with friends, 2010 & 2011
Hawaii with a Canadian volleyball team, 2011
Mediterranean cruise with Marc, 2011
Rome with Marc and Jes, 2012
Italy with Alex, 2013
Colorado Springs with Cuatro, 2014
Portugal with James, 2015

The most important thing to realize is that travel is not "one size fits all." Insisting that every vacation is great for families/couples/young people/retirees/solo travelers is incorrect. There are a lot of places that I would like to visit by myself, and there are a lot of places that I would prefer to visit with a partner or group. There are also a ton of places I don't care to go to at all that other people absolutely love.

Don't let popular opinion dictate "what you're supposed to see" or "where you're supposed to go."

The same goes for "who." Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to go on every vacation with your significant other. Just because you have kids, doesn't mean every trip with them is actually a good idea. As I mentioned earlier, if solo travel is not your thing, you need to make "who to take" your top priority. Both you and your travel partner(s) can then filter through your possible dates and destinations together.


Travel exists in the ever-evolving definitions of time, space, and movement. Take advantage of the freedom the world offers today. Be creative. Be bold. And choose your travel family wisely.


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June 4, 2015

My Sacred Week in the Algarve

First of all, I have decided that I want to live in Spain and holiday in Portugal and never leave the Iberian peninsula for the rest of my life. It's the perfect blend of Europe and California and it feels like home.


My cousin, James, and I spent 3 days in Lisbon, 1 week in the Algarve, and 3 days in Cascais. Lisbon is hectic and Cascais is touristy. But the Algarve. The Algarve is my paradise.


I'm okay with telling you about the dusty beach wilderness of Sagres and the whitewashed downtown on the shore of Salema. I'm even cool with mentioning the fisherman's diner with no prices on their menu next to the train station and boat-filled wharf in Lagos. I'll even throw in the fact that there are surf lessons everywhere, and, yes, it is as amazing as it looks.


But the best area?

I'll only tell you about it if you come with me.


You can know that it's an empty beach with cliff trails to other empty beaches and anyone you do happen to run into looks at you with the same amazement:

"How did we find this place?"


Don't bother with the Algarve if you need to be constantly entertained or busy. There's not a whole lot of stuff going on at "the end of the world." But there are all the things you should ever need if it was, indeed, the end of time.

Fresh and delicious food. Wildflowers and seashells. Ocean swims in crisp turquoise waters. Sunrise climbs and sunset wines. Stretches of sand between cliffs and caves.

It has the kind of ambiance that inspires novels, poems, paintings, and beautiful words between strangers.


It also takes me to a place where I don't want to talk about it at all because I just want to stare off into the distance and imagine that I am still under those never-ending blue skies and surrounded by peace and joy.

This is all I've got for you: I'm in love with the Algarve, I can't wait to return, and I miss it terribly.


For the whole #PostcardsFromPortugal experience in this round of #ibin2014, you can check out all the postcards.

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